- Wake up early. Unsuccessful people have trouble sleeping. They used to have a sleep mask, but they left it in the motel before their last job interview. Now that mask is 200 miles away, and the Jacksonville sunshine is relentless.
- Go back to sleep. If they don’t have a job, why would unsuccessful people stay awake?
- Lie in bed and think about Sarah. She was the best thing unsuccessful people ever did, and now she’s gone.
- Brush their teeth and cry. When unsuccessful people wake up sobbing, they know that a good brush will give them time to blink the tears away.
- Exercise until they break the stationary bike. Oh, shit. The last time this happened, it cost unsuccessful people $175 to get fixed. That’s half the unemployment check!
- Write in a gratitude journal. Unsuccessful people are grateful for several things, including “Valium”, “the Miami Heat”, and “eating a whole package of Pop-Tarts for breakfast, now that I don’t have to share one with Sarah”.
- Enjoy time with family. When Sarah left, she took two of the kids, so the only family unsuccessful people have left is Dakota, their oldest and worst child. Ever since the public school kicked her out for throwing rocks at her math teacher, unsuccessful people spend every day with Dakota.
- Read the book of Revelation. There’s nothing like a little perspective to get unsuccessful people going in the morning. As long as the world isn’t literally ending, who cares about Sarah’s new boyfriend?