The Floodgates Open: Yale Record List Edition

A selection of my list pieces (in full!) for the Yale Record, which totally founded the New Yorker with no outside help and only a little outside money that fell from the sky, as sometimes happens in New York City.

Topics include voter suppression, Vladimir Putin, and how not to get into the Yale Literary Magazine.


Other Voter Restriction Laws

Idaho: Must show proof of sexual identity.
Kentucky: Must be born in a state that starts with the same letter as the one you’re in.
California: One of these polling volunteers always lies. The other speaks only truth. Voters must determine who is who. They may ask one question.

Adventures Vladimir Putin Has Yet to Pursue

Playing a rodeo clown in one of Russia’s controversial bear-riding competitions
Synchronized swimming
Strip chess with opposition leader Garry Kasparov
Playing a wrestler in one of Russia’s controversial bear-wrestling competitions
Starring in an Old Spice commercial
Teaming up with Kim Jong-Un for a game of vodka pong against the Clintons
Playing a bear in one of Russia’s controversial Furry conventions
Permitting his people to vote in a fair election

UN Initiatives That Never Made it to Conference

Resolved: That the International Court of Justice politely requests that the Golden and Glorious Land of Myanmar kindly stop exterminating ethnic minority groups. And if the military stopped taking sex slaves, that would just be the cherry on the sundae!

Tips For Walking Alone in New Haven at Night

1) Wear a Rolex, yacht shoes and a chip on your shoulder: no one will mug you if you carry a bit of the Yale bubble with you everywhere you go.

2) If you spot someone walking alone in the same direction, they’re probably nervous and would welcome the companionship of a stranger who suddenly appears from behind them.

The Yale Literary Magazine’s Guidelines for Poetry Submissions

1) Before you begin, keep in mind that in the 21st century poetry does not rhyme. Slant rhyme is also impermissible – and punctuation is completely out of the question. In fact, everything you ever learned in grades 1-10 about poetry is not allowed. Real poets have no time for silly poetic devices.

2) except for when
we take the
time to make
sweet love
to enjambment

6) Fill in the blanks as you see fit:
_____ the adamant _____ swooning pastel _____
___ _____
as we _________ to quell __ _______
tantalized in the ________ for ____ the recalcitrant
aura of ___________
____________ penetrate my ____ verdant _____
sorrows you __________ face the ____ _______
and yawn
__ ____ Kanye West
_______ _____ god’s refrigerator



A Poem, Based on the Above Guidelines, Which Not Only Was Not Accepted, But Was Not Put Forth For a Vote. Chicancery, I say!

must not know this

sensations – the adamant afternoon
swooning pastel sky [this hell of a life]
monster you are
as we (where is my verb?) to quell
mutual dark fantasies
tantalized; lost
in the world to dare [I was]
so appalled
for the recalcitrant
aura of all this power
all this
light to penetrate my cognizance
truth tectonics
verdant eruption
if a tree falls in the forest, how could you sleep with him?
sorrows you swore to avenge
face the music like a
runaway train
and yawn
but for that devilish talent Kanye West
we are only lightbulbs
in god’s refrigerator

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