20 Alternatives to Punching Nazis

I won’t rehash the Nazi-punching debate that rolled over America last week. Good sources include thisthis, and this.

After reading way too many articles on the topic, I still don’t endorse Nazi-punching.

When punching “the right people” becomes an option, the punchers often end up punching a lot of other people. And punching Richard Spencer in particular gives him much more publicity — even sympathy, in some cases — than he’d receive otherwise.

But it’s not helpful just to claim people shouldn’t do something to Nazis. Or to certain other groups of people who endorse ideas they see as existential threats.*

My views here are closest to those of Darth Oktavia, a longtime anti-fascist who writes:

“The nazis love getting into fights with antifas, because that’s their home territory. What nazis hate is parody […] they could save face with a traditional fight, but they cannot save face by starting a fight with people who are only showing what huge jokes they are.”

So, in the spirit of parody: here are some ideas for bothering Nazis, turning Nazis into laughingstocks, and making Nazis feel terrible — all without leaving bruises, and hopefully without running the risk of a felony assault charge.**

20 Alternatives to Punching Nazis

  1. Blasting Nazis with a Super Soaker.
  2. Spraying Nazis with Silly String.
  3. Glitter-bombing Nazis.
  4. Spitting on the street in front of Nazis.
  5. Blowing hot air into the faces of Nazis with a cordless hair dryer.
  6. Throwing cream pies at the heads of Nazis.
  7. Pouring paint over the shoes of Nazis.
  8. Throwing white sheets over the tops of Nazis, entangling and confusing them.
  9. Tossing armfuls of feathers to obscure Nazis from nearby cameras.
  10. Goose-stepping back and forth behind Nazis as they are interviewed.
  11. Wearing an extremely distracting costume and dancing in the background behind Nazis as they are interviewed.
  12. Lip-syncing behind Nazis as they are interviewed, making the impression bigger and sillier as you go along. Wearing a Hitler mustache might help.
  13. Organizing a clown parade that follows Nazi parades wherever they g0.
  14. Handing Nazis helium balloons and asking them to hold onto the balloons, just for a second. Walking away. Shouting at Nazis if they let go of your balloons, blaming them for the fact that the balloons are now lost forever. Demanding compensation.
  15. Wearing fascist wigs and following Nazis around, yelling: “Look! We have the same hair! The same hair!” (Alpha Gamma recommends one Spencer wig and one Skinhead wig.)
  16. Dressing up like Winston Churchill and threatening Nazis in a British accent.
  17. Dressing up like Captain America and staring quietly at Nazis from close range.
  18. Dressing up like Principal Sweeney and telling Nazis you’ll need to see them in your office.
  19. Telling Nazis, at an incredible volume, that their mothers must be very disappointed in them and that they should call their mothers straightaway to apologize.
  20. Giving time and money to organizations that annoy Nazis even more efficiently than you can, or that work directly to help the people Nazis wish they were allowed to harm. (This is the only item on the list that I practice, and it brings me great satisfaction.)

* There are people who, according to certain pro-punching arguments, would have the right to punch Communists, Islamists, members of Congress, evangelical Ugandans, factory farm owners, drug dealers, gang members, abortion doctors… hence, the complexity of punching.

** I’m not a lawyer. From a practical standpoint, you shouldn’t do some of these things unless you’re willing to risk arrest and/or be punched by Nazis. From a moral standpoint… use your best judgment. Here’s how I feel, more or less.

*** If you have other ideas, please share them in the comments! It seems as though Nazis aren’t going away, so there’s lots of room to experiment.

Also, Nazi-Bothering Clown Parades Are The Best:

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