The Five Best Clickhole Articles of All Time is my most popular post ever.
What would Clickhole do if they were me?
Obviously, they’d write a sequel, to get all those delicious clicks. Here you go!
The Five Best Clickhole Articles Since The Last Time I Wrote This Article
- Six Job Offers I Received After I Listed My Job Title on LinkedIn as “Treasure Horse”
- Almost Inspiring: This Woman’s First Post About Her Miscarriage Showed How Strong She Was, But Then Her Next 8 Posts Were Just Way Too Fucking Sad To Go Viral
- Disgrace: The CEO Of Beans Has Stepped Down Amid Reports That There Can’t Be A CEO Of Beans
- An Oral History of Pixar
- Wow: When Someone Graffitied Hateful Messages On This Mosque, A Group Of House Painters Came Together To Cover It Up For Free. But Then The Next Night The Hateful Guy Came Back And Wrote Even Worse Stuff, And The Painters Are Booked Through The End Of The Year. So Now Some Well-Intentioned Teens Are Going To Try To Fix It, Which Is Very Nice, But They Probably Aren’t Going To Do A Very Good Job And They Don’t Have A Ladder.
Within just a few hours of posting, Kelsey’s story had already racked up over 1,000 shares on Facebook and was well on its way to becoming the sort of viral sensation that inspires women all across the globe. Unfortunately, the eight statuses that followed were such a fucking bummer that there’s no way you’ll be seeing them shared across your feed anytime soon.
The CEO of Beans:
As of this morning, the board of directors of beans has accepted Mr. Buckley’s resignation, and then the members promptly stepped down themselves amidst reports that beans cannot have a board of directors, either.
Pete Docter (animator, Pixar): There was this unspoken agreement that films shouldn’t star human beings. They should star human beings whose souls are trapped in the bodies of smaller things, or bigger things. Souls trapped in fish; souls trapped in toys; souls trapped in cars. It’s just good storytelling.
John Lasseter: I vividly remember the moment we came up with the idea for Ratatouille. Brad Bird suddenly started scribbling down the words “rat Frenchman” over and over on a napkin. He must have written it hundreds of times. We all started nodding, because we knew this idea was going to make us a billion dollars.
The Other Four Best Clickhole Articles (etc.)
- If People Think There’s A Quick Fix To Illegal Immigration They’re As Misguided As The Scientists In My Screenplay ‘Chronotaur: Labyrinth Of Time’
- Not Good At All: This Charity Pays For Skydiving Lessons For Convicted Sex Offenders
- PR Disaster: The President Of Panasonic Has Been Forced To Resign After 60,000 Panasonic TVs Ascended To Heaven Without Warning
- I Put On A Fat Suit To Understand What It’s Like To Be Your Mom
Not Good At All:
The charity is shockingly well-funded, has tax-exempt status as a nonprofit organization, and has already paid for hundreds of sex offenders to enjoy the excitement of skydiving for the first time. But it gets worse. Charity Navigator, a popular charity-rating site, gives Sky’s The Limit a four out of four star rating, citing its transparency and high percentage of donations going toward its programs.
From the moment I put on the fat suit, it became clear that your mom’s life was way more challenging than I ever could’ve imagined. You can’t sit down without first checking for innocent bystanders. You can’t roll over in bed without getting your passport stamped. You can’t even take a selfie without using Google Maps.
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I won’t rehash the Nazi-punching debate that rolled over America last week. Good sources include this, this, and this.
But having read too many articles on the topic, I still don’t endorse Nazi-punching.
When punching “the right people” becomes an option, the punchers often end up punching a lot of other people. And punching Richard Spencer in particular gives Richard Spencer much more publicity — even sympathy, in some cases — than he’d receive otherwise.
But it’s not helpful just to claim people shouldn’t do something to Nazis. Or to certain other groups of people who endorse ideas they see as existential threats.*
My views here are closest to those of Darth Oktavia, a longtime anti-fascist who writes:
“The nazis love getting into fights with antifas, because that’s their home territory. What nazis hate is parody […] they could save face with a traditional fight, but they cannot save face by starting a fight with people who are only showing what huge jokes they are.”
So, in the spirit of parody: here are some ideas for bothering Nazis, turning Nazis into laughingstocks, and making Nazis feel terrible — all without leaving bruises, and hopefully without running the risk of a felony assault charge.**
This is a work of fiction. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is completely intentional. Except for Emma Watson, who seems like a perfectly nice woman. Inspired by One More Thing.
“Artificial amateurs aren’t at all amazing. Analytically, I assault and amaze…”
Daniel Radcliffe pressed “pause”, then “back”. He glared balefully at his iPod.
“No! That’s not right.”
He pressed “play”. The song began again:
“Now it’s time for our wrap-up. Let’s give it everything we’ve got!”
Daniel nodded in time with the beat. This time, he thought, I’ll get past “D”.
Batman and Roger Federer are both wealthy men with superhuman abilities. Can you tell the two apart, based on these quotes from Wikipedia?
Some people like to use GIFs as metaphors for their own lives:
No, no, no!
That’s not you. Don’t pretend a GIF is about you when it’s clearly about someone else.
To repair this broken world, I’ve written some antidotes to this “What Should We Call Me” nonsense. Please use these whenever you encounter the appropriate situation.
Welcome to the Met! My name is Aaron, and I’ll be your tour guide today.
Oh! It’s kind of a funny story, actually. I was supervising Finger-Painting Day last week, and this four-year-old spilled yellow paint all over my uniform! It’s still at the cleaners.
Of course they have spare uniforms. But they don’t fit me very well. I have an unusual hip-to-waist ratio. Also, broad shoulders.
Anyway, let’s get started!
“Hello. You’ve reached the disembodied voice of Aaron Gertler. Aaron’s body isn’t here right now, but if you leave a message, it will get back to you soon.”
Adapted from something I wrote in Yale’s “Daily Themes” class. (Great class, by the way!)
Write twelve possible first lines to twelve different stories (fictional, non-fictional, or some combination of both). For a real challenge, let those lines start to feel like they hold together by juxtaposition. See the work of David Markson for a model.
These aren’t good sentences, but I wrote them hoping they could become first lines for first drafts of good stories.
I haven’t written those stories yet, but if you’d like me to write one, let me know and I will do that, just for you.*
- Our god is cruel and jealous, and we wish we had a better one.
- Today my Anti-Procrastination Friend saw me on Facebook and…
- We know that our island is an experiment, run by someone we don’t understand.
- The main character of this story was hit by a car just after you finished this sentence.
- “This has been my favorite funeral of the year.”
- Gambling is for suckers, he thought, and pushed the button again.
- There he was, waving his sign like a madman and shouting the true heights of various mountains.
- This is my history of the world, factual and proportionate, slave to neither narrative nor…
- We abandoned the Earth in our ships, but we left the Amish behind.
- You might think that even a very intelligent cloud could never kill a person, but…
- According to the actuary table, one of us was dead by now.
- They were looking for souls all along!
- “This week, life was just one long fire alarm.”
- She’d learned to run on water, but that wouldn’t save her when she came back to shore.
- You do not fuck with Liz when she’s delivering a pizza.
*With the exception of #9, because the Amish deserve an entire novel. And #8, because it’s the friggin’ history of the world.
(To see all 60+ prompts from Daily Themes, click here.)
My first article for Buzzfeed. Also, Stage 1 in my campaign to turn Buzzfeed into Clickhole.
FDR stunned the world by hiding his lower-body paralysis from the people who elected him. After years of personal investigation, I now have ironclad proof that Barack Obama is pulling the same stunt. Don’t let him run for a third term!
This picture may be fake, but it gets the point across.