The Five Best Clickhole Articles of All Time

As I write this post, on February 13th, 2015, clickbait parody site Clickhole is the funniest thing in the world. They leapfrogged The Onion, their sister site, by starting off without 20 years of historical baggage. They produce absurd sketch videos and insane listicles with equal fluency.

I don’t know how long this period will last, because the media Clickhole mocks may not be around for long, and all good ideas inevitably lose steam. But I’d like to honor the art form of the Fake Buzzfeed Article while I can, in the most appropriate possible format — an arbitrary list. No commentary should be necessary.

 

The Five Best Clickhole Articles Of All Time

  1. Are You A Big Jazz Boy, Or A Little Jazz Boy?
  2. George R. R. Martin: “When I Started Writing Game Of Thrones, I Didn’t Know What Horses Looked Like”
  3. They Said He’d Never Walk Again. But Who Were They, And Why Were They Saying Stuff About Him?
  4. 10 Kicks You Should Know About Before You Watch The World Cup
  5. Which One Of My Garbage Sons Are You?

Jazz Boy:

You are a tremendous Big Jazz Boy. You blast huge on the bugles and it never ends for you. You are in love with the Jazz! When the drums are tap-tap-tapping, and the upright bass is shrieking, “Larbo-larbo-larbo!” and the sweet saxophone sonorously croons, “Skerlack! Skerlack! Skerlack!” Those are the moments when you feel huge! Oh, my sweet, tremendous boy, you are bursting at the seams with Trumpet Jelly. You are filled to the brim with that Trumpet Jelly always.

Horses:

I assumed that by just consciously refraining from going into specifics about a horse’s color, shape, or disposition, I could get by without anyone noticing. Inevitably, though, there were some details I got plain wrong. Tywin Lannister’s horse’s “great gleaming wheels,” the stallions outside Storm’s End “growling and barking in agitation” and the many passages describing Dothraki horses “flapping across the fields” seemed like natural descriptions at the time, but in retrospect I see how they could have betrayed my unfamiliarity with the creatures.

Garbage Sons:

I hate being near the dreaded Laramie. When the dreaded Laramie comes around, I whisper a quiet wish to God that a lunatic will come and eat me. I can’t believe that my huge beautiful wife did the birth of the dreaded Laramie. Truly, he hails from the Dumpster, and I only wish him ill.

 

The Other Four Best Clickhole Articles Of All Time

  1. How Many Of These Common Fears Haunt You Constantly?
  2. Which Bing Bong Theory Are You?
  3. The 8 Dumbest Criminals of All Time
  4. Proud And Proud Of It: Meet The Woman Who’s Proud And Proud Of The Fact She’s Proud Of Being Proud
Common Fears:

Looks like you’re an average victim of fear! Sure, you constantly fear flipping over a DQ Blizzard and having it all fall out on the floor, but you probably aren’t regularly haunted by the fear of looking through a skyscraper observation deck’s telescope at the ground and seeing yourself waving up at you.

Proud:

“Stop trying to make me feel shame for my pride,” Cheryl says. “I’m proud of this pride, and I’m not going to feel ashamed of my pride. Shaming me isn’t going to shame the proud pride of which I am so proud. The only shame I feel about my pride is that I don’t take more proud pride in my pride. And I’m proud of that pride because I’m proud that I’m so proud of my pride that I can feel ashamed that my pride pride isn’t more proud than it could be. Shame on you if you shame my proud shame-pride. Maybe if you had proud pride you wouldn’t pride-shame my shame-pride.”

Bing Bong Theory:

Brazgo!

 

Also:

See this article for a new list of the best Clickhole pieces written since this list came out.
Finally, if you liked this article, you should subscribe to Alpha Gamma! The rest of the blog is very different. Subscribe anyway.

2 thoughts on “The Five Best Clickhole Articles of All Time

  1. Pingback: The Best Clickhole Articles of All Time (Part 2) - Alpha Gamma

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